A - AVAILABLE: If you’re not a douche. B - BIRTHDAY: 30th April. C - CRUSHING ON: Johnny Cash. D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water. E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Not sure? F - FAVORITE SONG : Waste of Paint - Bright Eyes. G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Worms! H - HOMETOWN: Sevo Ghetto y/y. I - IN LOVE WITH: Kaya Scodelario. J - JUGGLE: Ha. No! K - KILLED SOMEONE: No, although my neighbours being really loud really early makes this tempting. L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: 5ish hours. M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Chocolate ^___^. N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: One. O - ONE WISH: Can’t make a decision on the spot… P - PERSON YOU TALKED TO LAST: Mum probs. R - REASON TO SMILE: Skins. S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Try To Remember, Forget - Say Anything. T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: Ten past six! -rage- U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: Grey… W - WORST HABIT: Being a bitch, haha. X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Chest (x a million) & foot. Y - YOYOS: Um, I am hopelessly unco. Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Taurus.
“You are calm and reposed.
Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close.
You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile & thin,
standing trial for your sins,
holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain.
You are the blood in my veins.”—
I think I’ll do a shoutout now since I really can’t be bothered talking about the long winding story today.
Shout outs to: Loreyn, Shanne, Krizzel, Margie, Novia, Edrian, Leif, Jess, Bethel, K.Caraos, Raymark (Spotted your cap in the foodcourt, you’re not hard to miss ^^), Mitche, Sushi, Pheobe, Tino, LJ. OH AND I ALMOST FORGOT! MERUU!!!
OHYEAH, I GOT A SHOUTOUT (in caps!!!!)
You kept looking at me in a super-creepy way though. Scary…
This is a letter to address the many people in my life who I can’t say such things to. No one will be mentioned by name, so no one’s feelings will be hurt. Besides, I’m in a huge amount of doubt as to whether the majority of my fb friends even bother clicking the link.
…….the universe keeps shoving you in my face. It’s quite annoying now. Kindly cease contact with me until further notice. Kay, thanks bye
….one of the best things about leaving is that you won’t be anywhere near me. An entire hemisphere should be far enough away. And I’m not coming back for 4-5 years.
…….it’s kinda sad that Teddy Geiger has summed up my mood in a song. It’s called Bitter and it’s damn catchy. But I love it
….I wish you would stop acting like this. It’s seriously frustrating.
…..you have changed, and that’s cool. Have a good life and so on. I don’t consider you in mine anymore.
…….you are all really cool. And I have no idea.
….Your words have echoed in my head for the last couple of days, and I’m really unsure. Hmmmm. Gollygosh
……. There’s really no point, cause I’m in a different world now. So just leave it alone. I’m happier here, across the divide, than I was on the other side.
…….No, I don’t wanna go, but I can’t say I’ve had a good time, as Kaki King would say. At all. And no, I don’t wanna go back. You know that.
…..I miss you, homes.
…..I couldn’t care less what you think. That’s the direction I want to take, and I will. There’s really no reason to be concerned at all.
…..Thankyou for listening to me. I can’t believe I could tell you that. I mean, it’s hard enough to work out in my head, without verbalising anything. Thankyou my passion monkey.
…..Ugh. I just want all of this to go away. Forever, preferably.
…..I wish you weren’t so critical of me. I’m pretty harsh on myself already. Are you like this to anyone else?
………Thankyou for everything you’ve done for me this year. For answering all of my questions and making me feel more comfortable. For trusting me to do something and telling me exactly where I was going wrong. I appreciate it and hope to do even better.
……….you are an inspiration in your own way. Thankyou for existing.
…….. you are the brave one, not me. Thankyou. Over and out, boss.
……..you scare me sometimes. I wish you wouldn’t, but I know there’s nothing that I can do.
…….I dn’t care if you think I’m rude. The reason why I don’t talk is because maybe I’m sick of being asked about school. After such a long time in the system. I’m sick of talking about it. Yes, I like SMSHS. Yes, I think it’s better. No, I wouldn’t go back to my old school. Yes, I want to be a musician. No, I am not studying currently. I’d talk if you didn’t ask me such inane questions.
…….You are a mega pain sometimes. Fo shiz.
….To be honest, I do not care. Full stop.
…..I’d like to apologise for how I acted today. It was quite mean.
…. I don’t like you.
…….You could be awesome. I have no idea cause we have never spoken.
…..No, I am not fan girling about him or anyone else.
I want a boy; just some skin and some rough hands, some whispered words and harsh breathing. I want to laugh at you and cry for you and miss you so much it aches and wrap myself around you. I want to feel the weight of you, to hear the sirens, to run until my breath gives out, I want to smash things and remake them with blood on my hands. I could stand in the rain until I’m saturated with you, until the water stings my eyes the way your words do. We could fingerpaint our dreams, you could play me a lullaby full of discordant harmonics. I want someone to fall asleep to.
Hmm it’s 3:30am, I don’t know what it is about this hour but my mind is going crazy.
It’s 2010 now. A new year wouldn’t usually mean much but it’s my last year of school ever (!!!).
Which to be honest scares me to my very core.
All I’ve done for the last 12 years of my life is…school. & school suits me (now) - I do reasonably well at it I guess. None of this “real world” stuff for me thanks.
The number keeps appearing in my head - 97.5. An intimidating figure to say the least. Can I even do that well? Am I capable of achieving such a ridiculous score in my HSC?
The answer to my seemingly (but not) rhetorical questions is I have absolutely no clue. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
It has come to be that my whole self-worth is wrapped up in how well I do at school. So, after school ends, what then?
This is my random internal monologue written down, don’t feel like it has to make sense (just as a disclaimer).
In reference to those dreaded “New Year’s Resolutions”, I guess my goal is to eat more healthily, exercise more & hate my body less. The first two won’t be too difficult - they pale into insignificance when compared to the latter.
Anyway, don’t mind me & my sixteen-year-old melodrama.
All I want to do is be mended by you.
I don’t want to be confused, I just want to find you.
doesn’t feel very different, but the years never really do.
anyhow, this year will infact by ‘my year’, fyi. i will actually make an effort with school. i will get a job and save up money. as soon as possible, i’m moving out of here. whether or not that’s this year or next (definitely not the year after, that’s for sure) has yet to be determined, but i’m going to try my hardest to save enough money/organise everything for it to be viable. i don’t care if i’m on rations or i don’t have the luxury of purchasing awesome stuff for the next year or three. i’m gonna decide what i actually want to do life. i’m going to stop fucking around- i mean, what the hell do i gain from typing this? a big fat zilch. i should be experiencing something. i should be creating something. at this very moment, i’m indulging in myself as opposed to reading a book, or watching a play. i could be in the streets of sydney taking photos. i could be at the park painting a landscape- but i’m not. instead of stalking people on facebook, i should be living a real life. i need to stop being so god damn dependant on the internet for my source of culture. why aren’t i reading the newspaper right now? it’s time to start living, jess, for your own sake. make, create, destroy, experience something, please.
officially conceited enough for tumblr
Mhmmm, so am I, dw Jess.
I feel pretty much the same way, I mean I feel like I put in a crapload of work & have near to nothing to show for it.
Facebook is my main obstacle in my quest for an ATAR of 97.5 (!!)
So I guess I have similar goals to you this year. (& also to not attempt to murder Eng Adv, because I don’t think that’s humanly possible).
That said, changing to St Marys in ‘09 was in itself a success for you Jess. (See how I rhyme?) So you have accomplished something - at this time last year, you didn’t know me ^____________________^ (how empty your life must’ve been).
Far be it from me to actually focus on the positive, but you have to give yourself at least some credit for that.
& sorry for this 3am Sunday night / Monday morning rambling.